The uncomfortable truth about being a western expat in Southeast Asia no one discusses

I’ve been living in Thailand and Vietnam for the past 10 years, and let me tell you, there are days when I look around and wonder what on earth I’m doing. Don’t get me wrong—Southeast Asia is incredible. The beaches, the food, the friendly locals, the slower pace of life—it’s all very appealing to someone from the West, especially if you grew up chasing a 9-to-5 grind or stressing out about an ever-rising cost of living.

But there’s also a side of expat life that rarely gets talked about—a reality that can be uncomfortable or embarrassing to admit. It’s tied to privilege, lifestyle, and even a sense of identity we carry with us from “back home.” After 10 years here, I’ve had time to notice and process these unspoken truths. They’re not always pretty, but I believe it’s important to talk about them honestly, as they shape the real expat experience in Southeast Asia.

1. The privilege you can’t ignore

When I first moved to Thailand in my late 20s, fresh out of Australia, I was absolutely amazed by how far my money went. You can rent a decent apartment in Bangkok or Ho Chi Minh City for much less than you’d spend in Melbourne or Sydney (or any big Western city), and still enjoy enough comforts to feel at home.

But with that affordable lifestyle often comes a sort of unspoken privilege. Because I’m a Westerner, I might have easier access to higher-paying jobs or freelance work if I do online gigs. Locals work incredibly hard—often for wages that are a fraction of what Westerners earn. We say “that’s just how things are,” but it can feel like a strange power imbalance, especially when your local friends or neighbors invite you to a family dinner and you realize just how different your financial situations are.

The truth is that I benefit from a global system that values my Australian degree and my English fluency more than it values local talent. Being an expat in Southeast Asia often means you can’t fully escape this privilege, even if you try to live humbly.

2. The “foreigner bubble” is real

We love to think we’ll arrive in a new place, immerse ourselves in the local culture, become part of the community, and speak the language like a pro. Sometimes, that’s possible. But many times, expats stick to their own circles, whether intentionally or not.

Why does this happen? Well, it’s more comfortable to spend time with fellow Westerners who share similar cultural references. We speak the same language, we can complain about the same annoying quirks, and we can gather to watch Western sports or celebrate Western holidays. It’s like we’re building our own little Western bubble in the heart of Southeast Asia.

For me, it took a conscious effort to step outside my comfort zone. Making local friends was often harder than I expected because of language barriers or cultural misunderstandings. But once I started forming genuine local friendships, I realized how enriching it can be. It just took time and a real push to get out of that bubble.

3. The guilt of “taking advantage” of lower costs

Let’s talk about lifestyle. Yes, my dollar goes further here, and I’m able to afford certain luxuries—like frequent massages or eating out often. But there’s a nagging voice in the back of my mind saying: “Are you exploiting this system for your own comfort?”

I remember a Vietnamese friend once asked me why I didn’t feel guilty having a housekeeper when I was still relatively young and capable of doing my own chores. My initial reaction was, “Well, I’m paying her, and this is a normal practice here.” But I realized the question forced me to look at how easily I’d fallen into a lifestyle that I couldn’t afford back home. It made me think about how I justify that to myself, and how local people view it.

I’ve spoken to many fellow expats who also struggle with this guilt. Some come to terms with it by telling themselves they’re providing jobs to local people. Others ignore it. Others, frankly, leave after a while because they can’t shake off the feeling that their presence might be contributing to certain inequalities.

4. The complexity of dating and relationships

If you’re single and move to Southeast Asia, it’s natural to wonder what dating will be like. You might hear stories about foreigners who find it “easier” to date locals, or who are suddenly considered very attractive because of their foreign background.

But there’s a more complicated reality beneath the surface. Sometimes, you’ll meet people who genuinely value you for who you are. Other times, you might attract folks who see you as a “ticket” to a better life or a connection to the West. And, yes, there are also plenty of expats who—uncomfortably—take advantage of that attention, fueling stereotypes that Westerners are only here for certain agendas.

I’ve been in relationships where cultural misunderstandings were more stressful than I ever anticipated. You realize that some things you thought were universally acceptable might clash with local traditions. Communication can break down quickly when you’re both speaking a second language to each other. But with patience, empathy, and a willingness to learn, those challenges can also bring you closer.

5. The struggle to truly fit in

People often ask me, “Do you feel like you belong in Thailand and Vietnam?” And the honest answer is…sometimes. There are days I feel almost local—I can speak conversational Thai or Vietnamese, I understand basic social etiquette, and I know which shops have the best discounts.

But then there are moments when I’m reminded that I’ll never quite be a local. Maybe it’s the way someone calls me “farang” (foreigner in Thai) or “người nước ngoài” (foreigner in Vietnamese) in passing. Or how a local friend has to step in to handle a bureaucratic process because I can’t navigate it on my own. That disconnect can feel isolating, and it’s a big reason why so many expats form close-knit foreigner communities.

And that’s okay. You can still forge a meaningful life here, but recognizing you may always be slightly on the outside looking in is part of the reality.

6. The question of permanence

One of the biggest shocks to me, after 10 years in Southeast Asia, is how many people eventually leave. They come with high hopes of building a new life, only to find that the cultural differences, language barriers, and emotional hurdles become too overwhelming.

The truth is that living abroad long-term is not just an extended vacation. It’s real life. You deal with loneliness, health issues, visa problems, and homesickness. Missing significant family events back home can be painful. Some people never quite get used to the local environment—whether it’s the climate, the traffic, or the differences in how business is done.

So there’s this underlying question: “Am I really in this for the long haul?” For me, after a decade, I’m still here, still loving it, still learning. But many friends I’ve made over the years have packed their bags and moved back home. They realized it wasn’t for them—and that’s okay, too.

7. Owning your choice and finding balance

With all these uncomfortable truths, you might be thinking, “Why are you still there?” The answer is that, for all the challenges and privilege-related guilt, life here can be wonderful. The people are warm, the cultures are diverse, and the day-to-day cost of living allows me a balance I struggled to achieve in Australia.

I’ve also grown so much personally. As someone with a psychology degree and a deep interest in human relationships, living in Southeast Asia has taught me empathy in ways I never expected. Every day, I’m pushed to step outside my worldview and experience different perspectives—something that shapes my work at Hack Spirit, where we focus on self-improvement and better relationships.

You can live in Southeast Asia and do so responsibly. Support local businesses. Treat people with respect. Learn the language, even if it’s just enough for daily interactions. Be aware of your privilege, but don’t let it paralyze you from having meaningful experiences. Connect with locals on an authentic level, not just in passing. And keep asking yourself, “Am I being mindful of how my presence impacts the community?”

Living abroad in Southeast Asia isn’t just about cheap rent or beautiful beaches. It’s about self-discovery, personal growth, and learning to navigate a world you might have only seen through a tourist’s eyes before. There’s a lot of good in that, but also some undeniable discomfort. If you’re thinking of moving here, be prepared for both sides of the coin.

And that, in a nutshell, is the uncomfortable truth about being a Western expat in Southeast Asia: It’s exhilarating, challenging, and sometimes morally tricky. But with open-mindedness and respect, it can also be one of the most rewarding experiences you’ll ever have.