My Wife and I Have Finally Saved Enough for Early Retirement. Now She Wants to Throw It All Away.

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin, and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

I (45 M) have been married to my wife (43 F) for 20 years this summer. From the day we met, we shared a natural frugality. It was easy for us to live on one income and save the other. Even when we together made choices that in retrospect went past frugal into cheap, we did it as a team. We always planned on using the money to retire early, but we’ve reached the point where our definition of “early” is an order of magnitude apart. My wife was thinking of retiring when she’s 55 when she can get full access to her teacher’s pension. I was thinking more like… now.

We have millions saved in retirement accounts, not just that pension but a state-run 457 plan, Roth IRAs we can withdraw contributions from (and use a Roth conversion ladder to get more out in five years), and 403(b) and 401(k) accounts. Using the so-called 4 percent rule scaled down to a 3.33 percent rule, we have more than enough money to continue our current lifestyle indefinitely. On top of that, we have huge 529 accounts for our kids, a huge emergency fund, and a ton of home equity.

We’ve talked in circles about this for the last couple of years. I don’t see the point of continuing to work when we don’t need any more money. My wife doesn’t see the point of stopping work when we don’t have plans for all of our freed-up time. We can’t start traveling the world while the kids are still in school, and I guess there are only so many house projects and hobbies we can pursue. I really enjoy my job and current employer, but even so, it’s hard to stomach working there or anywhere else for another decade.

—My Wife Won’t Let Me Quit My Job

Dear My Wife Won’t Let Me Quit, 

I hear your frustration. You’ve put the hard work in and want to reap the rewards. There could be a variety of reasons why your wife just isn’t ready. She might enjoy her job and doesn’t want to give it up. It also sounds like she wants to keep working until she has her full pension, which, given your history of frugality, makes sense.

I know that you both have always been in it together regarding retirement. But could you retire while she continues working? Your sign-off implies that your wife is stopping that from happening one way or another, but I wonder if she’s explicitly against your exit from the workforce or if she just isn’t willing to move on herself. Float the idea of your solo retirement to her if you haven’t already. She might surprise you! Or you might see how she feels about you taking a “sabbatical” for a year instead.

Taking a sabbatical gives you time to test out your new lifestyle without committing to full retirement. Plenty of people take time off work whether it’s for their health, family, or sometimes even just because they can. I’m certain that you will find ways to fill your time, even if you’re not traveling and your wife is still working. I think you both might underestimate just how much time can be devoted to a hobby or passion project (ever heard of long-distance biking?). You can make new friends and join local groups, volunteer, and try new things around your city. (You might even find inspiration in the wise words of Slate’s own Dan Kois on the subject.) Ultimately, though, a sabbatical may be easier for her to comprehend over a full retirement. And, hey, who knows? She might see the appeal and join you after all.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m 41 and should know better, but I don’t know how to get out of this mess. When I opened my checking account, I signed up for overdraft protection and, due to irresponsibility on my part, overdrew my account nearly every month. It’s gotten to the point where I’m so overdrawn every paycheck that I have nearly nothing left to pay bills. I finally got a job with a good salary, and I turned off overdraft protection. But I don’t even get to enjoy my salary or get any relief because I start each paycheck in the hole. The cycle repeats itself each paycheck. I’m not sure how to dig myself out.

—Financial Pit of Despair

Dear Financial Pit of Despair, 

First (and this goes without saying), take a deep breath and be kind to yourself. Just because you’re a certain age doesn’t necessarily mean you should “know better.” I wrote a whole Budgeting For Dummies book and sometimes, I still find myself in difficult financial situations. Life happens—and even if you act perfectly “responsible,” money troubles can happen. The important thing is that you’re taking active steps to fix this cycle you’ve fallen into.

You’ll need to earn more, cut back your expenses, or (the best option) both. The key is creating a deficit between your expenses and income so that you can have more funds to work with. The more money you can free up or access, the more of a dent you’ll make in building up a savings account, paying down debt, or reaching other financial goals. Start with a strict budget. Look into a budgeting app like Rocket Money, which actively looks for subscriptions and other expenses you can cut back on and notifies you of possible savings. It can help stay on top of bills and gives you a clear view of where all of your money is going when you sync it to your checking account. You can set a spending limit in categories such as groceries and the app will let you know when you’re running low on cash in that area. If it feels too easy to disregard the app, I often recommend the envelope budgeting system, which requires you to physically cash out your paycheck and portion your monthly expenses out in envelopes. It may sound tedious, but it’s a good place to start when you feel stuck.

As for making some extra income, look into gig work to help you build a financial buffer. Grocery shopping, food delivery, ride-sharing, and pet sitting are all options. Once you start to see a surplus, start building an emergency fund by saving $10 here and there. Saving in small amounts isn’t as overwhelming and will add up substantially over time. You’ve got this.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

At what rate is it OK to spend money? I make $140,000 and I have a monthly annuity of about $3,000 (only for the next six years). My husband is in sales and reliably makes between $160,000 and $210,000. A safe estimate is about $300,000 per year total family income. We bought a house for $620,000 two years ago (no equity, put 10 percent down). Since then we have amassed about $120,000 in savings (invested $75,000). We have two little kids, and pay probably $50,000 in child care. We paid off college loans (no advanced degrees). And we drive 10-plus-year-old cars. We max out retirement, HSAs, and an FSA for child care. We have money we don’t spend. We don’t feel rich. We give to charity and political causes. We both grew up in tight financial straits and I’d like to know what some safe spending ratios are. There are things we’d like to do with the house and yard, but we are afraid to. A lot of our income seems to go to taxes but if you were in our shoes how would you break down a budget for us? What goes to savings? What goes toward home improvements? What can I just blow on fancy preschool clothes? Should we buy a coffee table or what?

—Poor Kids Became Rich Parents

Dear Rich Parents, 

It may feel silly to you but it can actually be very difficult to go from barely getting by in your childhood to having money as an adult. How much anyone can realistically spend depends on income and expenses (your childcare bill definitely hurts!) but I think you two should look into the 50/30/20 budget, which breaks down your income into different spending buckets.

With this budgeting method, 50 percent of your income goes toward needs (housing, childcare, groceries, etc.), 30 percent goes toward wants (those fancy preschool clothes and coffee tables), and 20 percent goes towards financial goals (your home improvements, emergency fund, etc.). You can change the percentages as needed but I think it’s a good place to start telling your money where to go without feeling frazzled. And if you’re looking for permission, feel free to buy that table you’ve been eyeing.

Dear Pay Dirt,

I recently started working as a contractor in a position that fits my niche perfectly, which is not usually easy to come across (although not particularly difficult either). At first, I was relatively happy with my hourly rate, which is a step up from my previous position and a bit above average, but may be on the lower side for the type of work I do (think language tech). I made it a habit to always discuss pay and working conditions with colleagues, which is how I found out the only other person on my team was making 20 percent more than me. I am a woman and he is a man, he has a master’s degree whereas I have an undergraduate degree, but I seemingly have more work experience. We also work for different agencies so it’s very likely arbitrary.

Now, a third colleague has joined the team after my recommendation, and he is making significantly more—almost 50 percent more than I do. He has an undergraduate degree too and is definitely less experienced, but he had the inside information from me to know to ask for a higher rate in the first place, and he is paid by a different agency as well. How should I handle this in front of my employers? I definitely think I deserve more in terms of my qualifications. I just left a position where I was grossly underpaid, which was very frustrating. and I cannot shake the feeling of gender inequality, although I realize it may not be related. This might just be what contract work looks like. If I can’t negotiate a higher pay, should I just let it be? This is a temporary position until I start a graduate program next year, and I wouldn’t want to join a team only to have to leave it by July.

—Peaked Too Soon?

Dear Peaked Too Soon, 

Gender inequality when it comes to pay is very real (hello wage gap), and could certainly be at play. It also sounds like there’s a chance different hiring agencies may be offering different rates based on their contracts with your employer. Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for someone to be head-hunted by different agencies that offer disparate pay rates. You mentioned that you’re leaving in a few months and don’t want to join the team permanently. I would wait it out until July. But trying to negotiate is certainly an option— 50 percent more than your current rate is a lot of money to leave on the table.

If you decide to go the latter route, look into whether it’s possible to keep your current position by joining a different agency and getting a new contract. If it is, use it to negotiate with your current employer/agency to see if they’ll match the pay. Good luck.

—Athena

Classic Prudie

I’m a junior in college, and I’ve been thinking about changing my major. I currently major in a research field but took a few advertising classes as electives. I discovered that, while I’m not all that crazy about research, I really enjoy advertising. But I also find the whole field to be abhorrent. I would enjoy my career more and make more money if I majored in advertising. But I’d be making the world a worse place. I talked to the advertising adviser about it and she gave me a few platitudes about the benefits of advertising, but they seem weak in comparison with the drawbacks.